A letter to: ######

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Goodbye.

This is it, dear one. I can’t keep going on.

I’m sorry I failed, I hope you know I tried. Maybe you’ll never be aware of how hard it was, but I really did my best and last night was the last straw. I can’t keep doing this.

This is going to sound egotistical but I need to say it: I have to live and I can’t do it with you now.

I promise I’m going to live my damnation as best and honest as I can. The truth is, nothing will ever be enough for you, I’ll never be enough at your eyes, and you will also never be enough at mine.

We aren’t compatible, never were, and we’ve known this since the very beginning. We were both stupid to think that something would happen. I had hope, maybe even a little faith on this miracle, but there are things that never change.

I’m looking for something that makes sense for me, you should do it too.

We are better off apart. For me, for you, for everybody.

Acceptance

I’m afraid of being who I am.

I’m afraid that the day I show my true colors people will reject me.

I want to paint my hair pink and tattoo a chamomile flower on my wrist because it’ll help me remember life’s beautiful and anxiety is  smaller than me.

I want to lose myself on the streets I choose freely without caring about who I might encounter. I want to no longer be obliged to give explanations or be afraid of misunderstandings.

I’ve always lived as if I wasn’t allowed to make mistakes. But I am. I am human, I fail. The people who judge me do it too.

If they are no gods, who are they to tell me what to do?

They tell me to toss my mask, they say I’m a fake. However once I do it, will they deal with the beast inside me? How are they supposed to understand it when I, the one who’s slept with it every night, have never been really able to?

Maybe this beast isn’t a monster, maybe it’s not even bad.

What if it’s in reality my natural state? I need to release it if that’s the case.

Won’t you let me live? I don’t remember having to ask permission in order to breathe.

If I say I’ll pay the price, will you finally let me go?

I’m packing my things, you giving me a yes or a no.

Dot by dot

I bleed black and blue
I’ve got a rose garden on my chest
Crimson flowers growing on a cotton white dress

There’s a river on my left arm
I can’t contain its course
I’ll show you mine, you show me yours

Dot by dot
Dot by dot
Dot by dot
Drop by drop
Time’s still just passing by

Tick tock
Tick tock
Time’s been cursing me since day one
Every second that passes
Is another bit of sand inside my mouth

I can’t breathe
Time drowns me instead of heal

There’re too many monsters inside my head
I can’t even count all of them
They run and run
Wild like the animals they are
It hurts having to carry them all at the same time

People keep pushing me
They say it’s motivation
They say it’ll be worth the while
Honestly, it only feels like an unfair fight

I just want to shout
To the ocean
To the skies
Scream until my lungs make no more sound

I’m driving crazy for playing a game I wasn’t taught the rules
They throw the dices
They’re watching me
They still dictate my every moves

I’ve already learnt:
If you want to escape
You must break everything apart
So burn me like paper
Toss me like trash

I want to feel that way again
Can you make me feel alive again?

Put flames on my skin
Breath in my lungs
I’m gasping for air
I’m aching for you

Give me more than this saddening routine
You can cause me pain
As long as it brings me life
Let’s make a deal
Make worth it every second of my fall

Infinitely Polar Bear

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Raw, fresh, relatable, personal, human.

Infinitely Polar Bear tells the story of Cameron, Maggie, Amelia and Faith. A family, with people like you and me. Mainly centered around Cameron (Mark Ruffalo): a father, husband, man, who is bipolar (bear polar, polar bear, you got it?) diagnosed, and the challenges that surrounds the family’s life when Maggie (Zoe Saldana), the mom, decides to go to New York in order to give a better economical situation for their daughters.

The movie, which is based on director Maya Forbes’ father story, shows the difficulties that come when having someone with bipolar disorder in the family, or being one yourself. Difficulties that doesn’t make it more or less of a family.

The story is about real, everyday, maybe normal (?) life, so don’t expect any major plot twists or a groundbreaking story. Instead of it, expect for actors doing excellent jobs portraying a family with all its ups and downs while preserving the sensibility of the matter.