Acceptance

I’m afraid of being who I am.

I’m afraid that the day I show my true colors people will reject me.

I want to paint my hair pink and tattoo a chamomile flower on my wrist because it’ll help me remember life’s beautiful and anxiety is  smaller than me.

I want to lose myself on the streets I choose freely without caring about who I might encounter. I want to no longer be obliged to give explanations or be afraid of misunderstandings.

I’ve always lived as if I wasn’t allowed to make mistakes. But I am. I am human, I fail. The people who judge me do it too.

If they are no gods, who are they to tell me what to do?

They tell me to toss my mask, they say I’m a fake. However once I do it, will they deal with the beast inside me? How are they supposed to understand it when I, the one who’s slept with it every night, have never been really able to?

Maybe this beast isn’t a monster, maybe it’s not even bad.

What if it’s in reality my natural state? I need to release it if that’s the case.

Won’t you let me live? I don’t remember having to ask permission in order to breathe.

If I say I’ll pay the price, will you finally let me go?

I’m packing my things, you giving me a yes or a no.

Dot by dot

I bleed black and blue
I’ve got a rose garden on my chest
Crimson flowers growing on a cotton white dress

There’s a river on my left arm
I can’t contain its course
I’ll show you mine, you show me yours

Dot by dot
Dot by dot
Dot by dot
Drop by drop
Time’s still just passing by

Tick tock
Tick tock
Time’s been cursing me since day one
Every second that passes
Is another bit of sand inside my mouth

I can’t breathe
Time drowns me instead of heal

There’re too many monsters inside my head
I can’t even count all of them
They run and run
Wild like the animals they are
It hurts having to carry them all at the same time

People keep pushing me
They say it’s motivation
They say it’ll be worth the while
Honestly, it only feels like an unfair fight

I just want to shout
To the ocean
To the skies
Scream until my lungs make no more sound

I’m driving crazy for playing a game I wasn’t taught the rules
They throw the dices
They’re watching me
They still dictate my every moves

I’ve already learnt:
If you want to escape
You must break everything apart
So burn me like paper
Toss me like trash

I want to feel that way again
Can you make me feel alive again?

Put flames on my skin
Breath in my lungs
I’m gasping for air
I’m aching for you

Give me more than this saddening routine
You can cause me pain
As long as it brings me life
Let’s make a deal
Make worth it every second of my fall

Infinitely Polar Bear

InfinitelyPolarBear_OS_04012015.indd

Raw, fresh, relatable, personal, human.

Infinitely Polar Bear tells the story of Cameron, Maggie, Amelia and Faith. A family, with people like you and me. Mainly centered around Cameron (Mark Ruffalo): a father, husband, man, who is bipolar (bear polar, polar bear, you got it?) diagnosed, and the challenges that surrounds the family’s life when Maggie (Zoe Saldana), the mom, decides to go to New York in order to give a better economical situation for their daughters.

The movie, which is based on director Maya Forbes’ father story, shows the difficulties that come when having someone with bipolar disorder in the family, or being one yourself. Difficulties that doesn’t make it more or less of a family.

The story is about real, everyday, maybe normal (?) life, so don’t expect any major plot twists or a groundbreaking story. Instead of it, expect for actors doing excellent jobs portraying a family with all its ups and downs while preserving the sensibility of the matter.

Bilhete

Para quem interessar ler isso:

As coisas mudaram. Para melhor, para pior? Mudaram.

Fui parar aqui nesse.. lugar.

E nessa estrada, nesse processo, tenho que deixar pelo caminho algumas coisas que talvez não me pertençam mais. Ideias concretas, verdades aparentemente bem alicerçadas, características, manias, rotinas.

Não escolhi ao certo meu rumo, e se surgir uma bifurcação agora talvez eu não saiba qual caminho seguir.

Não escolhi nem essa estrada na qual encontro meus pés. Na verdade, sinto como se tivesse sido arrancada do meu lugar e jogada no meio do caminho. Talvez isso possa se chamado de sair da zona de conforto?

Eu sei, não escolhi quase nada ainda, mas escolhi continuar caminhando: aos tropeços, perdas de referência e muitos, muitos joelhos ralados.

Continuando. Vivendo. Caminhando.

Espero que isso não te soe como abandono. Eu vou, mas quem sabe logo eu já volto?

É minha hora de buscar, experimentar, sentir tudo aquilo que ainda não fui atrás por não saber que precisava. Tô me perdendo pra me achar. De novo.

Fui correr atrás de mim.

Mas já volto.

What to do near Eiffel Tower + pics

DSC_0035

Paris has been part of my childhood’s fantasies since I discovered the so french city. It was everywhere: from famous movies to the pictures I used to save on my computer (heh). Guess what? I had the chance to take pictures of my own this time with my family 😀

On the second day after our arrival we had to visit Eiffel Tower. It’s located on the 7th arrondissement and in order to visit the most famous site in Paris, we took the metro and walked a bit (just follow the crowd of tourists if you get lost). To be honest, it was way bigger than I had imagined.

DSC_0001

What to do there

  • Take some pictures with the tower itself, the garden and carousels nearby
  • Climb the Eiffel Tower and have a different view from the City of Lights.
  • Enjoy the big green area and have a picnic. Seriously, bring some food and drinks, look for somewhere to sit and enjoy the view. Food spots near famous touristic places are always expensive and can be of really poor quality sometimes (hello tourist trap!).
  • Choose an alternative path and start (or finish) your walk at Trocadero Station where you have a stunning view from the Tower.
  • See the light show at night. If you choose to go see it have in mind that it happens fom hour to hour and only starts once it gets dark. During Summer it means 11pm, for other seasons it may be 10 pm.
  • Walk through Champ Élyseés avenue and see famous and not-so-famous brands there. You’ll have to walk a little if you want to get there on foot, but that’s worth it.

DSC_0013

What to not do there

  • Accept “free gifts” from people on the streets, like string bracelets and this sort of thing. After accepting it or having it forcefully tied around your wrist, the person will ask you for a donation and probably get angry if you don’t.
  • Pay for a fake gold ring that was miraculously found under your feet by a stranger who asks you for a small payment claiming it’s a much smaller tax than the value of the ring itself.
  • Sign petitions. They will probably come to you smiling and ask for your signature, after this, they will ask for a donation probably saying your sign means you agreed to do it. Yes, this story again. Sometimes they may approach you asking if you speak English. Just say a non merci and walk away, giving attention only encourages them to go further.
  • Leave your things unattended, just don’t. There’re pickpockets everywhere, so pay attention to cameras, cellphones, wallets and passports.
  • If possible and unless you’re going to a specific café or restaurant, avoid eating in food spots near super famous touristic sites. They’re expensive and often of lower quality (hello picnics!).
  • Give food to the birds. Specially on the parks around the Eiffel Tower, there’re a lot more of them than you imagine. One thing leads to another, one bird leads to another.

DSC_0046

Give preference to light clothing and comfortable shoes during this time of the year because you’re going to walk a lot.

❤ see you soon

Vai ficar tudo bem, mesmo que você não consiga enxergar isso no momento

DSC_0449.JPG

Tem vezes que tudo parece uma merda, tudo mesmo: família, trabalho, finanças, saúde, estudos, relacionamentos… E tem vezes que é “só” uma (ou algumas) delas, mas não tem jeito, já é suficiente para estragar todo o resto. Estragar, te deixar bolado, te impedir de ver as coisas numa outra perspectiva, sei lá. Nessas horas dá para identificar o ponto específico em que você foi atingido e trabalhar na medida do possível para amenizar a situação nem que seja trabalhando com o que você tem aí dentro de você.

Mas e quando você não sabe a causa dessa tristeza?

É difícil lidar com demônios cujos nomes não sabemos.

O importante é saber que eles têm nome sim, e eles não precisam ser visíveis ou palpáveis para serem reais. Nunca deixe que te façam acreditar que seus problemas não são importantes o suficiente para receberem atenção. E olha: tem uma grande diferença entre isso e se fazer de vítima. Quem se vitimiza não tenta resolver o problema, fica sentado no meio do caminho abordando quem passa até achar alguém que cai. Quem se faz de vítima acaba levando os outros juntos, foca na atenção que vai receber dos outros ao invés de procurar uma solução para o problema em si, e ele pode ser simplesmente (e às vezes, dolorosamente) aprender a lidar.

É necessário pedir ajuda, se cercar de gente de confiança, essas vozes que te sussurram (muitas vezes na calada da noite) que é melhor ficar quieto para não incomodar ninguém não poderiam estar mais erradas. Às vezes elas também podem aparecer falando que vai passar se você deixar quieto, mas esse monstro só vai crescendo e ficando cada vez mais forte? Não. Dê. Ouvidos. A. Elas.

Permita-se o tempo necessário para curar, às vezes sentar um pouco, dar uns passos para trás, são partes necessárias de um processo que vai te levar muito mais longe. Tudo bem demonstrar fraqueza de vez em quando, tudo bem ser humano.

E como o título já diz, vai ficar tudo bem, mesmo que você não consiga enxergar isso no momento.

pray

maybe it’s me, maybe it’s you.
whose fault this time?

this is a bad world, darling, a very big bad world.
and everybody keeps saying you’re just trying to make things right
they say you’re solving everything
they say those things take time
how can you say everything is going to be alright?

they say: have patience
the same tongues that accuse me of not trying hard enough

the one to pull the trigger
the one who pushed me into the hole
that one was you, dear
that one was you

how can they say it’s unconditional love?