pray

maybe it’s me, maybe it’s you.
whose fault this time?

this is a bad world, darling, a very big bad world.
and everybody keeps saying you’re just trying to make things right
they say you’re solving everything
they say those things take time
how can you say everything is going to be alright?

they say: have patience
the same tongues that accuse me of not trying hard enough

the one to pull the trigger
the one who pushed me into the hole
that one was you, dear
that one was you

how can they say it’s unconditional love?

Vive

Eu achava que quando conseguisse certas coisas na vida, seria mais feliz. Não que eu não fosse, mas acontece que quando eu pensava numa “dream life”, as realizações pessoais sempre faziam parte do pacote. Não mesmo. Hoje eu vejo que esse estilo de vida tão almejado em que você faz o que te preenche, está mais ligado com a forma como encaramos a vida do que com as conquistas em si.

As vitórias na vida podem muito bem vir a moldar e dar forma ao nosso tão sonhado “futuro eu”: uma carreira bem sucedida e estável, com aquele emprego dos sonhos (que seja a sua definição de sucesso, não a dos outros), uma família feliz, cheio de saúde, com relacionamentos saudáveis e construtivos, viajado, cheio de amigos, com um network de dar inveja, fluente em oito línguas e ainda por cima com tempo para fazer aquele hobby que só você vê sentido (fala que pelo menos alguma dessas coisas já foi/é uma meta, por favor), mas não é tudo. A sensação de euforia, prazer (às vezes, alívio) e o gostinho da vitória passam e tudo o que resta é lembrança. E depois disso, como lidar com aquela sensação de ressaca de quando certos acontecimentos já não trazem a mesma alegria de antes?

“É hora de correr atrás de uma nova conquista, um novo sonho.” É isso mesmo?

Sonhos são importantes, evitam que fiquemos parados ou pior, andemos para trás. Mas eu venho me perguntando: se eu tivesse tudo o que idealizo, eu seria mais feliz?

Se você tivesse cada uma das coisas da sua lista de sonhos e desejos, você seria mais feliz?

A solução é ficar correndo sempre atrás de algo novo e nunca olhar para trás? Qual o problema de olhar para trás, eu passei a me perguntar. Ninguém deveria ficar dando passos para trás, se escondendo atrás do passado, mas quem nunca precisou dar uma visita no seu antigo eu para se (re)descobrir? A vida é dura sim, cruel às vezes. Cada passo dado é a certeza da existência de mil outros ainda a serem caminhados, uns mais acidentados do que os outros.

Por que você não dá uma desacelerada e aproveita a vista do agora? Ela não volta mais. Deixa a ansiedade pelo futuro um pouco de lado, sente os sons, cheiros, sabores, a temperatura e as texturas do que se passa à sua volta. Esteja de corpo, alma e espírito naquilo que você tem agora ao invés de passar andando sem dar atenção porque “o próximo será muito melhor”. Vive o agora, mais leve.

Summer rain smell

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Happiness came to me like fresh, sudden rain while I walked on the streets on a Summer stuffy day.
No umbrella to cover, not even a roof to hide.
Just me and the water, dripping through my arms with a promise.
The promise that I would never run dry.

It didn’t matter how the past months had gone.
Nor even how mean the whole world seemed to be.
At that moment, I felt the healing.
It started growing from inside of me.

That moment smelled like coffee.
Fresh grass, mud and ash.
Sounded like a big fire crackling.
And clicks that turned into photographs.

I saw there genuine, true happiness.
Something I hadn’t really seen for months.
At the moment all I could feel was pain.
Healing came pouring in me like rain.

My go-to cookie recipe

Everybody has a swear-by choco chip recipe, right? After some tries, I made my own changes in a highly-rated recipe I found on the internet and ended up with a chewy-but-crispy cookie that isn’t too sweet and fills my heart with warm happiness at every bite.
Here is the recipe:

CHOCO-CHIP COOKIES RECIPE

INGREDIENTS

  • 2 cups all-purpose flour
  • 1 teaspoon baking soda
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • 3/4 unsalted butter
  • 1 cup packed brown sugar
  • 2 eggs
  • (optional) 1 tablespoon vanilla extract
  • semisweet chocolate chips to decorate
  • (optional) laminated almonds

DIRECTIONS

  1. Preheat the oven in mediun to high heat
  2. Take the baking sheets and grease it or line with parchment paper
  3. Sift the flour, baking soda and salt together in a medium bowl, set aside
  4. Cream together the butter and brown sugar until well blended, set aside
  5. Beat the eggs and the (optional) vanilla extract until light and creamy
  6. Blend the ingredients from steps 3, 4 and 5
  7. Make small balls (about 2 inches) on the prepared cookie sheets 4 inches apart each other
  8. Decorate with the chocolate chips and (optional) laminated almonds on top (the dough will spread)
  9. Bake for about 17 minutes in medium heat or until the edges get lightly toasted
  10. Cool for a few minutes on the baking sheets (they’ll be a bit too soft in the beginning) and then transfer to wire racks to cool completely

Enjoy!

Happy New Year (and a month)

After an exact month after New Year’s commemoration, I can say my 2018 has finally begun. I felt trapped in 2017 for an entire month even after it was officially over. It took time to heal the most important parts of myself, to replace and recreate what didn’t serve to its purpose anymore. There were uncountable mornings I desired the pitch black dawn and way-more-than-I-would-like to-admit nights when I would pray to the vivid nightmares around me to end. It didn’t, but things started to feel better.

 

3 random: animations to re-watch + why looking at the past can be good for you

First of all: yes, I was a Disney movies child. Yes, they had an important (and maybe kind of strong?) influence and I’m not ashamed of that. And yes, I still listen to those songs from time to time because, why not? I’ve been having this annoying-but-necessary identity crisis, and because of this I found myself looking for something to hold on to, mainly new things to help redefine myself, but nothing worked as well as I wanted to. I turned my whole world upside down looking for something like this, something new, and then I finally found something that I had put aside a long time ago: my childhood memories. It does no good to live in the past, but sometimes taking a look at it like someone looks at a photo album or a memory box, can really help to understand who we are and how we were “made”.

Mulan- Mulan knows that she doesn’t fit in the role society gave her and fears to be a failure who will ashame her family but is braver than anyone when it comes to going to war in order to protect her father. This movie is inspiring for me, she worked so hard in order to be a great soldier despite all the trials, and in the end becomes what she was really meant to be.

PS: Grandma Fa is also awesome every time she appears on screen. “Sign me up for the next war!”

 

Tangled – I don’t know if this one can be considered one of my childhood ones, but I really like it. She’s an artist and tries to live the most of her life even though she has the tower-espace limitation. The “I See The Light” song is also one of my all time favorites.

 

Hercules – He is a really good guy who just like Mulan, doesn’t really fit in. Hercules needs to discover who he is and then fights really hard in order to become this person he is meant to be despite of the difficult beginning and skeptical comments he received through his whole life, never giving up.

 

Hope I’ll be able to watch all of them once summer break starts 😀